Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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