just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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