Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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