When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
