I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
