I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
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i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
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Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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