you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
