...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
