I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
