Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
