If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
