No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
