put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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