Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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