so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
