I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
