Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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