I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
