Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
