Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
