Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
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