If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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