I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
