We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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