If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
