life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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