i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
