I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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