I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
