Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
