yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
im holly from the hills drunk
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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