my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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