i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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