The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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