I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
