My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
