There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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