so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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