Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
