The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
