We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
