I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
