If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
