if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
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Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
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If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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