I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
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