The maid of honor just puked.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
