Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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