I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
