If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
