she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
