Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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