You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
