just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
We were destined to go to rehab together
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
