Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
