You just made me feel so damn special
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
