I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Are my feet made of real feet?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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